Let’s start at the very beginning…

Hey there. I’m Beckie.

I’m 30. I’m married to Travis. I have three kids, Alex (11), Cassidy (8), and Emie (1).  This blog isn’t a mommy blog, though, so don’t run away screaming yet. I am quite happy in my life. My husband is wonderful and aggravating, as any good partner in crime should be. My kids are brilliant and naughty and hilarious and exhausting. I probably could be a mommy blogger with all the things we go through raising each other, but that’s not what I’m here for. I am a doula and soon to be student midwife. Birth work is beautiful and amazing, but that’s not what this is about either. Overall, my world is full of joy.

Apparently, that joy isn’t enough for some part of my psyche. Despite being in excellent general mental health, I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and/or Panic Disorder.

When I started having symptoms I was convinced it was hypoglycemia because all the symptoms I would experience matched up. Sometimes eating would help, sometimes it wouldn’t. Eventually I was in enough discomfort that I went to a doctor. I had a bunch of testing and was told I was fine. I continued to have symptoms. I went to another doctor and was told, again, I was fine. I went to a third doctor and he sent me home with a blood glucose monitor for two weeks. Guess what? I was fine. Except for sudden attacks of dizziness, nausea, heart palpitations, chest tightness, and exhaustion. Doctor number three came to the conclusion I was having panic attacks. He gave me a list of lifestyle changes to make that could help alleviate the symptoms and a prescription for Xanax.

This diagnosis floored me. I am happy in my life. It’s not blissfully perfect, but it’s mine and I love it. I have been having a hard time wrapping my brain around how I can have “anxiety” without feeling “anxious”.

So, I started reading. About the disorder. About medical treatments and natural treatments. About agoraphobia and depression. About diets and supplements and pills, pills, pills.

I realized, I don’t need more shit in my life. I need less. I need less useless junk taking up space in my home and my psyche. Unworn clothes, unused toys, forgotten movies, bad habits, broken things, and empty food. I determined that the only possible source of this “anxiety” is the clutter I’ve let in to my life and my soul.

We’ve finally reached what this is all about. It’s about creating empty spaces so we have room to grow. It’s about having less junk and more love. Love for my home and my family and myself. Making these changes for life, not for a month, not for a year, but forever. Hopefully, the removal of this physical and psychological dead weight will be an affective treatment for this “anxiety” and help me become a more whole version of me.

This is a keepsake for me. Somewhere to track my plans and my accomplishments. Somewhere to vent my frustrations and learn from my failures. I’m hoping that maybe someone, somewhere will be going through something similar and find comfort and hope here. Whether or not you need this, like I know I do, you’re more than welcome to come along for the ride.

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About Beckie

I am a mother, wife, and doula trying to find more joy in life by having less.
This entry was posted in Where I'm Coming From and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Let’s start at the very beginning…

  1. This is a wonderful journey and a shift that I can relate to rather strongly being no stranger to anxiety. Throughout my life with my sensitivity and observation of the world I’ve experience quite a few periods (some lasting years) of panic and anxiety. The initial periods occurred at a pretty young age and the latest full blown period occurring around age 30. As of this day I am still not free of it, sometimes it’s just a low burn I can feel in my chest and consciousness – the good news is I have learned both how to manage it and make the psychological shift from worry and fear to calm, creative, and productive a lot quicker. It has affected me in a number of negative ways – thinning hair, cystic acne, acid reflux, fatigue, mania, depression, rosacea, aches, pains, infections, etc. etc.

    There is clutter mentally and physically that we’ve been building up and trying to account for and measure and told we need or should have to make our lives better. And that clutter just piles onto our psyches, worms through our dreams, erodes at fortitude to just live…to just be. So welcome to the shift of “letting go” of that clutter and holding on to what matters, what will sustain you, and what is real 🙂

    Happy to keep an eye on your progress and journey Beckie 🙂

    -Apryl

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